Friday, April 3, 2009

Subpar Sex Spam

If you are like me, you get at least one ridiculous spam email a day touting the latest and greatest product to rev up your (or your partner's) sexual prowess. Normally, I automatically delete these unwanted solicitations without a second glance; for some reason, however, this afternoon I decided to actually open one and read it. It may have something to do with the fact that it mentioned multiple oorgasms (that's not a misspelling; it's how the numbskull spammers have to spell it in order to pass through our filters.) Having recently experienced the aforementioned glorious multiple orgasms without the aid of such products, I guess it caught my eye.

Here was the text:

Do you want to be seen as a captain of the bedroom? Do yoou want your woman to be RAVING to heer friends about the great sex she has while all of them get normal boring sex? Well if you do, then you definittely need to ...


Be glad to go wherever you please, replied eunane. Of honours in an armie, whiche soche a man ought me to defend the front of the fortress, while bim ruefully. If i wanted to abolish the noble at what people think, but see the results. You.


Umm...what sort of alternative universe is this person living in? The second paragraph doesn't even make sense! Maybe he or she is a closet Shakespearean beat poet that is stuck writing bad spam emails in order to pay the bills. Upon further inspection, I feel inspired by the avant guard product prose. I think I shall write all of my blogs in sexspamese from this point forward...

Lo, what glorious day laundry brings, scoffed bittina. Of great witness to the piles whiche maketh me loath to sorte, i proclaimed ruefully. If it shall be done, will it be so through joy and without craze. Me.

OK, maybe not.

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